Archive | February, 2012

My Fantastic Leap Day Invention

29 Feb

Happy leap day, y'all!

It’s leap day!!!!!!!!! Woooohooooo!!!!  I know, I know, my last post also looks like it’s from leap day, but it was actually written on leap day eve.  The problem is, I couldn’t (or didn’t) set the proper time on my internet website post-a-bloggie thingie.

I swear I am the master of at least 3 electronic devices, the dvr is my biatch, seriously. But it seems I can’t set a clock.  So sometimes I have the skill set of a techno gadget geek (ok, not really). But most of the time I’ve got the skill set of a gerbil.  No wait, maybe slightly more refined than a gerbil, a weasel!  No, no, no, weasels have a negative connotation… let’s split the difference and go with ferret.  Skill set of a ferret. I know, what’s a girl to do?

I’ve already confessed that I take technology notes so that I appear to be savvy, and it’s true. But when I ask someone to explain these things to me I say something like this, “So Bill, explain this to me as if I were a common idiot.”  *wink wink*  I suggest this because I AM a common idiot, but I like to masquerade as a professional, tech-savvy adult. Even though I am challenged, I have invented something fantastic!  Of course, it’s a low tech invention, but it’s totally usable in daily life.

First, a little back story.  When I was a child, the carpet in our house would frequently turn to lava. When this happened I’d have to leap from rug to rug to remain unharmed.  It was a tough childhood, full of danger.  However, one of the most dangerous things was the monster under my bed. I had to take a running leap from the hallway and hoped to make it into my bed without smashing my shins on the foot board.  Then I’d lie there, as still as a corpse, but I could still hear him breathing. He was so keen, so cunning, that he would breathe EXACTLY when I did.  If I held my breath, he held his breath, if I had a bit of a wheeze, he had a wheeze, it was terrifying. If only someone had invented this awesomeness lo these many years ago!

Hee hee, I'm friendly!!!

Behold! A friendly monster!  All you have to do to evict your current monster is invite this guy to live under your bed!  That’s right folks, the answer is that simple!  Everyone knows that the spooky old monsters you currently have are squatters. They’re not paying rent to live there!  Why not welcome this monster to live under there, and then you’ll know exactly who is breathing under your bed, and he’ll be your pal.  He’ll sign a lease for as many years as you’d like, and he’ll keep the place neat.  I mean, as neat as he can with all the stuff that pesky kids shove under a bed.

Everyone knows that monsters are highly territorial, but they also respect a landlord/tenant relationship.  Place your friendly monster under the bed before you go to sleep, and you’ll rest like you’ve never rested before.  Trust me on this one!

That’s Not A Hedgehog!

29 Feb

Awwww, it's Hedgie!

This is Hedgie, a hedgehog toy that is my dog Trixie’s very favorite.  I have been looking for a second one to have on hand for when this one eventually meets his demise.  Unfortunately, I can’t find one online, and this one was a gift, so we’ll have to enjoy this hedgehog while he lasts.  This morning, I decided to try the Google Goggles app on my phone.  I snapped a picture of my hedgehog and waited patiently for Google to give up the goods.  I was sure a new hedgie was in my near future, Google seldom lets me down.

Um... you're not Hedgie.

My first result was this chick, a glasses model maybe?  Absolutely not a hedgehog, at least not that I can tell.  Moving on to second result.

Impostor! Hedgie would never smoke!

Gerard Butler… um, not a hedgehog.  I could go on, but you get the idea.  The great hedgehog hunt will continue, but so far Google and Amazon haven’t turned him up.  What’s a girl to do?  I know, persevere!

I Get Communism From This Dress

25 Feb

Is next... evening wear.

Can we talk Project Runway for a second?  I am a huge PR fan, and I won’t bore you with my opinions, but I have to talk a little bit about this most recent episode.

One of the PR teasers this week was a clip of Isaac Mizrahi saying, “I get communism from this dress,” and it had me reeeeallllly curious as to what the communist dress would look like.  In my mind, it could be nothing other than a plain grey dress with a matching kerchief.

 

This has to be one of my all time favorite commercials.  I don’t remember it being on television, but way back when, there was a game called Commercial Crazies.  It came with a VHS tape to watch that contained all kinds of funny ads.  It was way too hard to play the actual game, but it was fun to just sit and watch all the commercials on the accompanying video tape.  This fashion show was just one of them.  Dang, now I’m all nostalgic and want to see that tape again.  But I digress…

Whoops, I lied! It turns out that I am going to bore you with my opinions, but just for a teensy bit, okay?  Wait a second here, I can make it less of a lie if  I pretend like you’re curious about my opinion.  Here we go.

Was Mila’s dress that terrible?  Kinda.  Was Jerell’s dress just as bad?  Absolutely.  They both looked more like costumes to me.  But I know at least one of them will sell if Wendy’s decides to remake this ad campaign.

Monster Pile-Up

21 Feb

I’ve been busy, and I’ve got a bunch of new items to put up in the the shop.  If you look over there today, you’ll see a new set of lungs.  That’s right, I said lungs.  I mean, they won’t work if you need them surgically, but they’re novelty lungs.  I’ve got some new monsters in days to come too.

Here’s the thing- you’re taking on great responsibility when you adopt a monster or zombie.  It is your job to make sure they can’t get out into the world and cause destruction.  It’s serious stuff, and I know you don’t take it lightly.  Consider the responsibility I feel as their keeper. You could be a nut job, and I’m entrusting you with zombies.  I mean, I don’t even know you people!  One of you just waltzes up and goes, “I’ll take ’em!”  and I’m all, “Okey dokey!”  Can you believe that?

Now think about this-  I have to live with that!

 

Valentine Good and Evil

12 Feb

Valentine goodies- score!!

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and as I cruised through the Target dollar spot I found some fun little stuff for kiddos. I am completely smitten with my BFF’s two daughters.  Yes, I have BFF, and no, I’m not 12 years old… thanks for asking.  They are sweet, and cute, and I like to send some fun mail now and then.  Grown up mail is all bills and advertising, that’s why kid mail is so awesome, it’s presents and FUN stuff!

I like to wrap everything individually, I always have. For one, it looks super cute like this. Second, it takes longer to open everything when it’s all wrapped and tied up with bows. And my third reason is the evil one… I put confetti in all these packages- every single one. I know, it’s not right, but it’s fun! Well, fun for me I mean. It will make their mother think about our friendship and what she may have done to wrong me. There’s nothing that she did, it’s just a character flaw of mine.

You know the cartoons where a person has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Well, my angel says, “Send a little Valentine package to those sweet girls.” and I agree with the angel. Then the devil says, “Boobie trap and rig up that package to put glittery confetti allllll over their house!!” And then i agree with the devil.  So that’s where we stand- a Jekyll and Hyde Valentine extravaganza!!

Back Off My Man!

9 Feb

I keep very little of what I make- I just have to make stuff.  If I kept all this stuff, we’d need to add another wing to the house.  While I was wishing for snow this mild winter, I made a snowman for my Etsy shop.  Then I was like, “Awwwwww,” and I decided to keep him.  That chubby round bottom, the little coal eyes, the top hat.  Ahhhh!!!!  The cuteness is killing me, it’s burning my eyes!!!!  Ok, so then I made another one, and I kept him too.  Then another, and another, and another… and I kept ’em!  That’s right, I kept all of these guys.  They’re all mine! Mine, I say!!!

Stop it! I can see what you’re doing right now.  You’re scanning them and picking your favorite, aren’t you?  Back off my snowmen, man!  Your favorite is MY favorite.  No, no, your second favorite is also my favorite.  Even that one with one skinny branch hand and one fat branch hand- that one is also my favorite.  Just back away slowly, and no one gets hurt.  That’s right, I’ve got a snowball.  I’ve got a snowball that I’m aiming in your direction, and I’m not afraid to use it.

It’s My Birthday!!!!!!!!!

2 Feb
Party animal! Er… monster.
It’s my birthday, and what am I doing?  Well, I’m sure as heck not working, and I’m sure as heck not cooking.  I’m going to be lazy and just hang around needle felting some eyeballs and zombies.  I’m sure that’s what most Americans do, right?  I’m going to do more than that though.  If you feel like it, check out The Birthday Project.
 
If I could give my official groundhog report, I’d say spring is on the way.  But come on, we’ve had no winter to speak of, so how could spring not be on the way?  Last year at this time I was visiting my folks up in Ohio, and we were covered with a good 3 inches of ice.  I spent my birthday trying to chip my way into a car.  Then I fell on my butt and bruised my something or other, and winced around all day.  It was awesome.  I mean, I love winter. I’m not kidding about that, but the ice was a bit much- even for me. 
 
If you’re a summer lover, I will trade you all my summer for your winter.  You can take summer and stick it where the sun don’t shine, and I’m not kidding about that either.  Was that rude?  Well, maybe… but it’s my birthday!  Whatcha gonna do about it?! !  Mmmmhmmmm… that’s what I thought.
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